


Your shadow lives on without you

by RemyLeBeau



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Blasphemy, Dissociation, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Gen, Gun Violence, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Overdosing, Past Rape/Non-con, Prostitution, Withdrawal, read notes for tw of each chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-01-01 08:50:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18332696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RemyLeBeau/pseuds/RemyLeBeau
Summary: Five times Klaus misses Ben in 1968 and one time he doesn’t.





	1. Withdrawal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And yet, there he was, offering Klaus a - metaphorical - hand every time he needed it, and every time he thought he didn’t need it as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for self-destructive thoughts and motivation, dissociation and symptoms of withdrawal.
> 
> Have fun! ٩(˃̶͈̀௰˂̶͈́)و

Each and every time Klaus had decided to get sober and checked himself into rehab, Ben had been there for him.

When Klaus had absolutely no faith in himself, couldn’t see the point in going through such struggle knowing he’d toss it away as soon as he got released, Ben would always try to convince him that his effort was not useless, that it _meant_ something.

Shit, it was usually Ben who convinced him he should go to rehab in the first place.

Klaus had no idea why his brother still believed in him, why he still insisted on sticking around even when Klaus himself had made it clear that he wasn’t willing to stay sober anymore.

Maybe it was due to the fact that Ben was, you know, a _ghost_ , and didn’t really have any other living being to talk to.

And it was so fucking _annoying_.

Don’t get him wrong, Klaus loved Ben. He really did. He just didn’t understand why Ben still _believed_ in him. It was like a constant reminder of the great failure he was.

Couldn’t Ben just, I don’t know, talk to the dead about it instead? Join a support group with other ghosts so he could talk about how it was _so awful_ to watch as his junkie brother tossed away all the opportunities Ben didn’t have?

Why did he insist on telling Klaus that kind of shit? And especially when Klaus was at his worst, clearly unable to deal with his own problems, let alone with the ghosts’ problems, Ben included.

And yet, there he was, offering Klaus a - metaphorical - hand every time he needed it, and every time he thought he didn’t need it as well.

And now Klaus is… _where_? Afghanistan? Vietnam? Well, he sure as hell is not where he was just a moment ago, and he’s pretty sure there’s an actual _war_ going on. That’s just… _oh_ _shit, where’s Ben?_

If there was a god, Klaus knew she’d be laughing her ass off right now.

It’s gotta be a joke, _right_?

Well, Klaus is _not_ laughing.

He had been captured, tortured, kept tied to a chair with no food, no water and, most importantly, no drugs.

When he’d finally managed to escape ( _thanks, detective badass_ ), there had been absolutely nothing left in the pockets of his coat. They hadn’t left a _single_ cigarette, and he hadn’t been able to find any lost pills either.

 _Oh_ , and he had been naked too, running away with nothing but a towel on his waist, his empty coat, and the so promising briefcase.

When they had boarded a train, he hadn’t been able to tell if his shaking and sweating were from running or from withdrawal.

“Both, probably.” Ben had guessed, and Klaus hadn’t disagreed.

He had been so desperately wishing for there to be money in the briefcase, but truth is he’d probably not even complain if there was food in it.

Damn, he’d been _starving._

“C’mon, y’know you won’t be able to keep anything in your stomach right now.”

_Really helpful, Ben. Thanks a lot!_

And guess what? There was no money in the briefcase. Nor food.

And now he is in the middle of a fucking _war camp,_ surrounded by a bunch of _soldiers_ and being forced to get dressed ( _that’s a first_ ) so he could go _shoot strangers_ in a country he didn’t even know the name.

_And where the fuck is Ben?_

He can hear gunshots and stuff blowing up. _Shit_ , is this how real bombs sound like? It’s so fucking _loud_.

Everything is _too loud_.

 _Fucking hell_ , is everyone else feeling the floor shaking or is it just Klaus?

_The briefcase. He can’t let go of the briefcase._

But it’s _so_ heavy.

 _Oh good,_ they’re getting on a bus now. He can leave the case on the floor beneath his seat.

His _tongue_ is getting numb. _What the fuck?_ Does this mean he’s about to pass out or something?

His head sure isn’t numb, it’s throbbing and it feels like there’s a grenade fragmenting inside it.

Damn, he wishes there was an actual grenade blowing him up so everyone could just _shut the fuck up!_

_Can’t they shoot each other a little quieter?_

He is in no condition to shoot anyone, that’s for sure. _Thank you_ , but the only thing Klaus wants to shoot up right now is _heroin_.

‘ _C’mon Klaus, you’ve already been through the worst of it, it’s almost over, you can do it!’_ Ben _doesn’t_ say, because _he’s not fucking there._ He’s nowhere around to worry about the hysterical laughter Klaus is letting out.

_Fuck you, God! Your sense of humor sucks (and not in the good way)._

_Morphine!_ They probably have morphine for the injured!

Maybe if he gets shot they’ll give him morphine!

Ben is not here to talk him out of it anyways.

 _Wait,_ does it still count if he’s the one who shoots himself?

 _Arghh,_ he just wants Ben to say something to get him back to reality. _Anything._ Even if it’s to tell him he _definitely should do it_ , ‘cause he’s such a lost cause.

But Ben wouldn’t say that, _would he?_

_But he’s not here to say anything. And everything is loud._

Klaus doesn’t know where all the noise is coming from anymore. Doesn’t know if he’s saying things out loud or if he’s thinking it. If the gunshot noise is outside the bus or if it’s inside his head. If he’s hearing his own thoughts or if it’s the voices of the ghosts gathering around him.

Had Ben given up on him? Had he finally seen the failure Klaus truly was?

_I’m sorry, Ben. I’m so sorry, I need you right now. Please..._

_Oh no_ , there are probably way too many ghosts in a war field. And none of them is gonna be _Ben._

 _Very funny, God! ..._ May he _please_ have Ben back now?

A hand touches his shoulder and Klaus is suddenly pulled away from his train of thoughts and he’s back in the bus, being approached by a soldier.

“You just get in country?” _Okay, a very good looking soldier._

“Oh… uh…” Klaus does his best to ignore the absence of Ben mocking his babbling. “Yeah.”

He can’t help but smile at the stranger talking to him, and they both chuckle.

“Yeah, shit’s crazy, I know.” Oh stranger, _you have_ _no idea_.

“Yeah…” _Ben would know exactly what to say right now, he wouldn’t let Klaus keep saying ‘yeah…’ like an idiot._

“You’ll adjust.” And Klaus is not so sure about that. In fact, he’s _afraid_ that he’ll have to adjust to not having Ben there. He doesn’t want to get used to that.

 _Fuck, he misses Ben already_.

“I’m Dave.” The no longer stranger offers his hand with a smile. _A very nice smile._

“Klaus.” They shake hands and Klaus is silently praying he doesn’t let go.

Klaus is pretty sure he doesn’t want to get shot in front of this new guy - _Dave, his name is Dave_ \- and he wishes Dave is half as tolerant with Klaus’ bullshit as Ben is to stick with him a little longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Please leave a comment to let me know what you think and don’t forget to subscribe! (⁎⁍̴̛ᴗ⁍̴̛⁎)
> 
> I plan on updating on tuesdays.


	2. In the middle of a fucking war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben would know what to do, he’d know where to shoot and when to run. Klaus is used to being the lookout and he needs Ben for these situations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, a big thanks to Psilactis for the support and help with research, reading the chapters and overthinking every detail of klaus' life with me (seriously, how is it possible for someone to tolerate me randomly texting them in the middle of the night to talk about lube usage in prison?). 
> 
> tw for gun violence/war violence in general, dissociation (kinda), brief self-destructive thought, anxiety symptoms, homophobic and sexist language, and mentions of (legal) drug use.
> 
> damn when i list it like this it kinda sounds worse than it actually is.
> 
> have fun!

What exactly do people use as lube during wars? I mean, they don’t even have room to store proper food, let alone lube… _right_?

The only thing Klaus can think of is _spit_.

But _spit_  reminds him of  _prison_. And not the _good_ memories from prison, ‘cause those actually _do_ involve (smuggled in) lube. No, _spit_ _memories_ are definitely _not_ the place Klaus wants to go to run from the present… or is it the _past_?

Either way, his _current_ situation is _not okay_.

Klaus hopes he’s not in the future. Otherwise Ben would probably still be able to manifest himself, and his absence would indicate he chose not to.

Not that he would blame his brother for that, though. Klaus himself is doing his best not to let go from the rifle he was given.

He can feel his hands shaking and sweating against the shotgun and, even though the unfamiliar weapon is not heavy, Klaus feels like he’s going to be pulled down from its weight by the shoulder straps if he lets go.

A soldier is shot and falls down a few feet from the tree Klaus is backed up against and he can’t really distinguish the man’s screams from all of the other sounds surrounding him. All Klaus does is stare while the man screams for help and desperately presses his hands against his chest in a futile attempt to stop the bleeding.

He looks around searching for Dave, but it’s hard to identify anyone in the jungle and he wonders how many soldiers are getting hit by friendly fire.

He can hear gunshots from all around and no matter what direction he looks, he sees people shooting and getting shot at.

There are too many ghosts of dead soldiers. Some are still trying to shoot the enemies, some are re-enacting their deaths, but most of them are just screaming angrily at the living soldiers, trying to tell them where the enemy is.

He’s trying to ignore the hoard of ghosts gathering around him. _Ben is not one of them._

“ _... such a coward!”_ The ghosts are getting angry at Klaus’ lack of action.

“ _You here being a pussy while the communists are killing our men!”_

They’re _too close_.

Klaus is panting and he can’t figure out where the enemies are coming from. He tries to find the ones the ghosts are pointing at, but he can’t see anyone. They’re all around, hiding behind trees and quickly moving through the jungle.

His fellow soldiers seem to be just as confused as he is, randomly shooting without a clear target, unable to locate the enemies and having trouble navigating the jungle.

 _No, this can’t be happening._ It’s gotta be a nightmare, _right_?

What the fuck is he supposed to do if he doesn’t even know _where to aim?_

 _Ben would know what to do_ , he’d know where to shoot and when to run. Klaus is used to being the lookout and he needs Ben for these situations.

Maybe if he opens the briefcase again… _shit, he forgot the briefcase in the bus._

“ _What did a fag like you thought Vietnam was gonna be like anyway?”_

 _Shit_ , he’s in fucking Vietnam.

The humid air is suffocating and Klaus wonders if there’s enough oxygen in the atmosphere. It’s like he’s underneath hot water but still breathing, and _fuck_ , he’s so thirsty.

He spots a snake and wonders if animals become ghosts after they die. He’s never seen the ghost of a dog. Or of any other non human animal. Klaus guesses they’re just well resolved enough to go to the best possible place available for the dead.

He wonders if Pogo is going to live on as a ghost after he dies.

He wants to take a step towards the soldier screaming for help near him, but he’s not sure he’s able to stand on his own without leaning against the tree.

“ _Shoot that one! He killed me! Kill him back!”_ A ghost with a gunshot wound to the head is yelling and pointing somewhere.

Klaus’ stomach is turning and he can’t take his eyes off of another soldier whose face just got hit by some explosive.

“... _viet congs don’t drop dead by themselves, y’know?”_ A ghost spits on his face while screaming at him.

_Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, please shut up for a second!_

“ _Shoot that one! He’s right there! Shoot him!”_

Klaus is almost certain he prefers the crazy ghosts from the mausoleum rather than these war ghosts.

He’s trying to look away from the spirits surrounding him, and he spots the ghosts of two vietnamese kids and their mother, all three of them on their knees crying for mercy. Klaus tastes bile as he notices gunshot wounds marking their deaths.

_No, this can’t be happening._

There’s a ghost of a viet cong shooting at him, and Klaus wonders if he should try to manifest that ghost so he would get killed already - his father used to insist he’d be able to physically manifest spirits if he practiced enough. But then he’d probably become a ghost himself and, well, he’s not really looking forward to _that_. And Ben wouldn’t be there with him.

He wonders if Ben is also freaking out at _Klaus’_ disappearance. Probably not.

“Klaus, _look out!”_

He turns to the sound and, before he gets to process what’s happening, Dave is jumping towards him and pushing him away from the tree. They stumble and fall together, violently rolling on the dirt as a loud blast echoes close to where he stood just moments ago.

Klaus gasps as his body stops tumbling and his head hits a tree root.

He blinks and tries to focus his sight. Everything around him is whirling and shaking.

Klaus notices a ghost laughing at him but all he can hear is a loud buzz.

“ _C’mon, let’s go!”_ Dave is pulling him by the arm.

They stumble into a dense part of the jungle and trail the unstable floor, trying to avoid tripping over tree trunks and roots.

The noise from the battle is still loud but not anywhere near them anymore. Klaus’ chest hurts from the physical effort as he slumps on his knees and pants heavily.

He watches as Dave stops in his tracks and turns back to him. The man is also panting and sweating but, unlike Klaus, Dave somehow manages to pant and sweat quite gracefully.

A tiny corner of Klaus’ mind registers how cute Dave’s worried expression looks as the man kneels in front of him and puts a hand on Klaus’ shoulder. They lock eyes and Klaus shivers from the cold sweat streaming down his face and neck.

“Klaus, you injured? You’re pale…” Dave pants and it’s almost like Klaus can feel the man’s worry poured into the words.

 _How sweet._ Klaus can’t help but let out a little smile before he leans down to the side and pukes.

Dave doesn’t back away from the touch while Klaus is expelling the contents of his stomach - which are pretty much nothing but bile. He spits in an attempt to get rid of the acid aftertaste.

“No, I’m fine.” Klaus manages to answer after using the thick sleeve to wipe at his lips.

He turns back to Dave and the man hesitantly lifts his other hand to brush back the curly strands of hair sticking on Klaus’ soaked forehead.

“First time?”

Klaus wonders if wearing masks and fighting criminals counts. He nods.

“It’s okay, you’ll get used to it. I’ve been there as well.” It’s easy for Klaus to ignore the ghosts mocking him as he focuses on Dave’s reassuring words. He bets Ben would be impressed too.

His breathing is calming and he notices how the gunshots are getting more scarce in the distance.

“Did you take too many pills?” Dave is carefully observing Klaus’ face, as if looking for something.

Wait, _what?_ Klaus stares back, confused. Does Dave _know?_ What the fuck is he talking about? _What pills?_ His shock must be showing on his face, and Dave elaborates.

“The ‘go pills’? They can make you sick if you take too many.” Dave explains and Klaus cannot believe what he’s hearing. “It’s common for new guys to mess it up. How many did you take?”

 _Ben would find this amusing._ _Or not. Probably not._

“I… I didn’t… I don’t have any pills, didn’t take anything.” Klaus stammers, fighting the urge to beg Dave for pills. Now _that_ would be humiliating. Not that that’s ever stopped Klaus before.

Now that he knows what to look for, Klaus notices how Dave’s pupils are dilated and his lips are dry even though he’s soaked with sweat. Klaus is not sure if he feels Dave’s hand shaking against his shoulder or if he’s the one shaking, but still.

_Yup, amphetamines._

He remembers how people in support groups love to talk about how Hitler was a huge fan of amphetamines and that nazis prescribed it to the soldiers in high dosages so they could fight for longer periods of time while being focused and alert.

How innocent of him not to assume that americans did just the same. Klaus knows Ben would be laughing at him for that.

“They didn’t give you anything?” Dave sounds shocked and Klaus probably looks just as shocked as he shakes his head, denying.

No, of course no one had given him any pills. All they’d thrown at him was clothes, a rifle and ammunition.

He didn’t even know where he was or _when_ he was when he appeared naked out of nowhere and got carried into a fucking war. _At least_ he’d popped up in the dormitory and not on the battlefield. _Fuck_ , at least he’d popped up on the _american_ side and he could actually pass as a soldier instead of being taken for a spy or something.

‘ _The losing side.’_ He’s sure Ben would add if he was there. Klaus wonders if Dave would like to know they’re going to lose. Probably not.

“C’mon, we gotta get to the pickup point.” _Is it weird if Klaus asks him what the fuck does that mean?_ “Can you walk?”

Klaus nods and Dave helps him to his feet before they get back to moving through the jungle, Dave leading the way.

Klaus doesn’t find the courage to ask the man for pills. He wonders if Ben would be proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> Please leave a comment to let me know!


	3. Drugs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are drugs everywhere. And there’s no one even trying to hide it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Psilactis for helping with research about drug use during the vietnam war!
> 
> tw for drug use.
> 
> Enjoy!

It’s been less than a week since Klaus got back from his first battle ( _how the fuck had he survived? the answer is Dave_ ) and he’s already figured out most of the drug related schemes going on - legal _and_ illegal.

And it is all very… _unexpected_ , to say the least.

Klaus is starting to wonder if he wasn’t accidentally transported to one of Ben’s nightmares, ‘cause _damn_ , his brother would be _losing his shit_ if he could see the kind of environment Klaus has gotten himself into.

There are drugs _everywhere._ And there’s no one even trying to hide it.

Drugs were not the first thing Klaus had looked for, though. After Dave had lead them to the pickup point and they boarded a helicopter, the last thing he had in mind was getting high.

No, first he’d asked for water. He’d been _so fucking thirsty_ , and his throat hurt with each breath.

While he drank, he didn’t fail to notice how the other soldiers around him were also drinking like there was no tomorrow. Klaus knew they had canteens of water for the battles, Dave had offered his to him and he’d finished it in seconds. But apparently that wasn’t enough for any of them, and Klaus was experienced enough to know that that was a side effect of the pills.

Klaus wondered if Ben would have found it funny that he was probably the only one who wasn’t thirsty because of drugs, but because he’d actually been deprived of water for over a day.

Klaus had missed Ben during the flight. Dave was busy going through the contents of his pockets, probably looking for something, so there was no one for Klaus to talk to when he realized he was in an _airborne combat_ unit. Didn’t that mean they were supposed to be _dropped out of planes mid flight on battlefields_? As in behind enemy lines or something?

Don’t get him wrong, Klaus would probably really enjoy parachute jumping. He’d always thought flying would be the best possible power anyone could have. _Damn_ , just imagine flying everywhere and not having to wear shoes!

Unfortunately that _wasn’t_ Klaus’ power and he definitely _didn’t know_ how to parachute jump, so _yeah,_ he’d spent the whole flight freaking out about _that_ and didn’t really think about drugs.

As it turned out, ghosts were not very keen on high altitudes, so Klaus was _almost_ left alone on the spirit’s side. Of course there were those few ghosts that insisted on following him, but they looked more scared themselves, so Klaus could easily ignore them.

After they got to their destination - a different camp than the one he’d first appeared on - and the injured soldiers were received by a medical team while the rest of them settled in their assigned barracks, Klaus still wasn’t thinking about drugs.

There was still the _briefcase situation_ for him to worry about. _Fuck,_ if Ben had been there he wouldn’t have let Klaus just forget it like that.

All he knew was that it was on a bus. Which bus? No idea. He hadn’t even registered the _color_ of the goddamn bus.

That first night, he’d gone to bed worried he’d never see Ben again.

 _Shit, he’d die in Vietnam_. And he wouldn’t even die in battle, he’d probably fail to open his parachute in time or something. He could almost see the ghosts on the floor waiting for him to fall so they could laugh at his stupid death. Then no one would be able to identify his body, ‘cause he _hadn’t been born yet_ , and wasn’t really registered anywhere.

That is, _if_ they found his body. _If_ they even bothered to try to identify him.

Klaus would have appreciated the irony of it if he hadn’t been so worried about what his brother would think of his disappearance.

No one had bothered to look for him when he’d disappeared in his own timeline, but at least Ben had been with him to know what was going on. If he died in Vietnam, the only person who’d bother to notice his disappearance would never hear from him again.

Ben would never know _why_ he’d left.

Of course he couldn’t sleep and ended up wandering through the camp investigating every single bus until he - surprisingly - found the briefcase. By then, he already had his whole afterlife of haunting Reginald planned out. _If his living self could talk to the dead, why wouldn’t his dead self be able to haunt the living?_

So after _that_ major issue was finally sorted out, Klaus was finally able to think of drugs.

He _was_ clean. He didn’t feel any symptoms of withdrawal left, and the thought of what Ben would have encouraged him to do - or _not to do_ \- almost made Klaus reconsider. _Almost._

The thing was, _everyone_ was on drugs, so it was kind of hard not to think of it. And besides, it was only dexedrine.

He knew the drill. Dexedrine was the equivalent of adderall, the pep pills so popular among college students. They were basically really small doses supposed to help focus, and were far from the amount of amphetamine required for someone to get high.

“Any trouble sleeping?” Had been Dr. Larson’s only question on Klaus’ first visit, to which the answer had been a nod. _Yes, please._

“Here.” The doctor had handed him a bottle of dexedrine and a small package of white tablets. _Please be Vicodin. Wait, is vicodin already a thing? Just please be opioids._ Would Ben have laughed at him if he was there? Of course it wouldn’t be opioids, _opioids were for pain, you stupid junky._ But Ben wouldn’t talk to him like that, would he? Klaus was not sure.

“Whenever you need a refill, you come to me, okay?”

And Klaus did. Luckily, the medical team was clearly not concerned about keeping records of issued pills or patients, so Klaus had absolutely no trouble getting refills for his dexedrine whenever he wanted.

At first he’d been hesitant, worried they wouldn’t let him get that many refills, but now he’s pretty sure they just don’t give a shit and probably have bigger problems to deal with than drug abuse. They _are_ in the middle of a war, you know?

He is sitting cross-legged on the floor, leaning against his bed. In front of him is Dave, mirroring his posture, reading something from a notebook.

Klaus turns his face to the ceiling, resting his head against the mattress. He’s aware he’s fidgeting, and his hands are shaking.

There are no ghosts left around to scream at him and there’s not much noise in the barrack, but still his body is tense, trying to find an outlet to his drug induced energy. He’s slightly nauseated as well, he can feel the rapid beating of his heart resonating on the inside of his empty stomach, but he’s not hungry, even though he hasn’t eaten anything substantial all day.

_Damn, had he taken too many pills?_

He can’t really remember how many pills he took, but by checking his coat for the bottle and finding it almost empty he can tell it was… a lot. But it’s not like just a few pills would make the ghosts disappear anyway, so…

He manages to shake away the worry but his chest tightens at the thought of Ben. Ben would never even dream of letting he lose count of the pills he took. It was so annoying when his brother kept telling him he’d taken too many, it was time to stop, he’d overdose, blah, blah, blah...

Something Klaus _had_ lost count was of how many times Ben had screamed at him to lead him away from dangerous places before he passed out after drinking too much. His brother didn’t always manage to prompt him away, especially when he was about to pass out in someone else’s arms and they wouldn’t let him leave when he tried. But still, he misses Ben’s reassuring presence, his insistence of at least _trying_ to get Klaus away from danger, or from overdosing.

His absence makes Klaus feel guilty for never even _acknowledging_ Ben’s continuous effort.

It’s almost time for lights out in the barracks. His roommates - _barrackmates?_ \- are already gathering outside by the back door for their little nightly get together.

He watches as Dave writes something on a small notebook. Klaus knows it’s kind of an important thing to his colleague, since he always keeps the notebook in his jacket, and there’s not a single night he doesn’t register something in it. A journal, perhaps? Klaus hasn’t asked.

Dave looks up from his writing and locks eyes with him, smiling back. Klaus realizes he’s been grinning at Dave and quickly turns to look for the others.

Dave. Rick. James. Matt. John. _Klaus._

 _Klaus_ is such an alien name compared to those of his new… _friends?_ He guesses Ben would be pleased to see him making friends. But would his brother still be okay with friends that got together to smoke weed? Ben always _did_ _seem_ to prefer it when Klaus kept to weed, so… maybe?

The problem with dexedrine is that you can’t sleep while you’re on it. As in, you _literally can’t sleep_ , you’re too wired and alert and your body won’t relax, it’s constantly tense.

Klaus can’t sleep if he’s _off_ drugs, and dexedrine is the only drug he can get both easily and regularly for now, even if it isn’t his favorite.

_Damn, he’d kill for some opioids._

He takes one of the tablets Dr. Larson had prescribed him. Klaus had been disappointed when he discovered that all they do is lower the blood pressure, making him a bit sleepy, but of course he still takes them every night.

A stranger had offered him heroin when he’d first arrived at the camp, but the thought of Ben freaking out about shared needles had made him reconsider.

The only other drug he has easy access to besides dexedrine is weed. He’d been speechless when he found out how cheap weed is in the villages nearby. Not that he has any money, of course, but now he has _friends_. Friends that are currently gathering to smoke weed from the barrel of a rifle. _Literally from the barrel of a rifle._ That had been new even to Klaus.

“Wanna join the others?” Klaus breaks the silence while standing up and offering Dave a hand.

The other man quickly puts his notebook back in the pocket on the inside of his jacket and smiles, accepting Klaus’ hand to help him up.

Klaus is engulfed by fondness as they head for the back door. He feels an intense sense of belonging joining the other guys as they sit in a circle and tell each other stories of their homes while they smoke.

 _Family._ Feels like _family,_ that’s the word he’s been looking for.

But all of these other guys’ families are back at their homes, and Klaus doesn’t _really_ have a family waiting for him at home. _Shit,_ he doesn’t even _have a home_. All he has is Ben. But Ben’s always been _with_ him, right there by his side.

Klaus realizes he never really appreciated how much like _family_ Ben feels like. Like _home._

One more time he wonders if Ben is missing him, what his brother is thinking of his disappearance.

He wishes with all his heart he gets to see Ben again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this chapter was supposed to be titled "drugs and prostitution" at first but i kinda got carried away and it's only "drugs" now.
> 
> Maybe next chapter will be titled "prostitution", idk.
> 
> Anyways, please leave a comment to let me know what you think?


	4. Prostitution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus hadn’t seen this coming. Ben would’ve known. Ben always knows people’s intentions, he’d have warned Klaus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for drug use, dubious consent, victim blaming (kind of) and… philosophical bantering? sorry about that last one, i tried to hold it back but, well, didn’t want to ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> Enjoy! (⁎⁍̴̛ᴗ⁍̴̛⁎)

Klaus is sitting on the floor, leaned against the side of his bed. It has become sort of a ritual for him and Dave, to just sit there silently every night, across from each other. Dave writes on his small notebook while Klaus sketches on his.

“Y’know, I have a blank notebook here, it’s yours if you want it…” Dave had offered him after a few days of Klaus keeping him company by doing absolutely nothing other than watching the other man write and trying not to stare too much.

“Uh… Okay? I mean, I’d really like that, thank you!” Klaus had accepted with a smile, remembering how much he used to enjoy filling the walls of his bedroom with drawings and writings as a kid, usually depicting ghosts and the things they screamed at him.

For a long time, sketching had been an outlet to the anger and hatred directed at him, but he’d stopped it as he discovered it was possible to shut the ghosts out with alcohol and pills, and never really thought of it again, not even during rehab.

And now he is starting to remember just how much he enjoys this. The best part is _there are no ghosts_ , so he can actually experiment with other themes for his drawings.

He flips through the pages he’s already filled. There’s a drawing of Dave writing, one of Dave smiling, a page filled with the faces of his roommates, followed by one with a drawing of himself floating in the air, barefoot of course (who _wouldn’t_ want the power to fly?).

He sighs as he reaches the page saved for Ben. There’s already a few sketches of his brother from Klaus’ memories: eating waffles at Griddy’s as a kid, reading a book as a ghost (Klaus would turn the pages for him), sitting in Diego’s backseat with his dark hood. The last one is unfinished, and he absentmindedly gets back to tracing Ben laid down on Hazel’s (or Cha cha’s, who knows?) bed, blinking at him.

Klaus is aware of the briefcase behind him, under the bed. And the closeness of such mysterious item is overwhelming, almost smothering.

He’s aware of the possibility of opening it. It could lead anywhere. _Anywhen_. Or it could do absolutely nothing and he’d still be exactly where he is.

 _It might take him back to Ben_. But the thought of it not taking him anywhere is more frightening than of being taken to any of the other horrible places and times he can imagine.

Klaus is not sure if he _wants_ to know what will happen when he opens it. He’s not sure he’s ready to know. Or if he’ll ever be.

Would it feel better to just get it over with? But what if it _did_ take him back? He’s not sure if he wants to leave Dave already…

There’s no way for him to know what will happen unless he opens it, and the thought of it brings out a state of deep fear he hasn’t felt since last time he stood in front of the entrance of a rehab facility, frozen at the decision he was about to make, waiting for something to happen so he didn’t have to decide anything.

 _No, that’s not fear. It’s anguish_. Ben had reminded him then, and Klaus remembers it now.

He knows this one. _Sartre,_ right? Klaus doesn’t really pay much attention to the books he helps Ben to read, but this specific passage had impacted him somehow, and he remembers it.

If he stands on top of a cliff, he might _fear_ he’ll get hurt if he falls, _fear_ someone might push him, _fear_ that something he can’t control might happen _to_ him. _That’s fear_. Now _anguish_ is what he feels when he realizes he can choose to jump from the cliff. And that _his_ decision to jump or not to jump is not determined by anyone or anything else other than himself.

Thinking of the briefcase, he’s not _afraid_ of the decision he has to make, he’s _anguished_ by it. He _has_ to choose and there’s no escaping it, his choice is _his_ _and his alone_. He might try to run from it and pretend he’s not responsible for it, he might put it in the hands of God, of destiny, of the law, of someone else. He might even convince himself he’s not responsible for the consequences of his choice and for the erasure of all of the other possible paths, but he still _is_.

It is _his_ choice whether or not he should open the briefcase and when, just like it had been _his_ choice to step into that rehab facility and to decide to get clean. It had also been _his_ choice and _his_ responsibility when he decided to get high again when he left.

Then again, Sartre himself had spent most of his life deciding to quit smoking for good and never managing to do it, and the thought of that brings a smirk to Klaus’ face.

 

•••••

 

Klaus realizes he’s run out of dexedrine just as he’s about to leave with his roommates for their morning jog before their official activities of the day start.

“I’ll join you guys in a bit, just gotta go to the medic for a refill first.” He tells Dave before heading to the medical station to find Dr. Larson.

The man is sitting behind the balcony, brows furrowed, focused on filling some official form. Klaus knocks on the door to announce his presence, which makes the doctor jump in surprise.

“Klaus! Didn’t see you coming!”

Dr. Larson smiles amiably as they salute each other. Klaus gets close to lean on the counter, and doesn’t bother to say anything while he takes the empty bottle of pills and casually hands it over.

The man doesn’t seem surprised by Klaus’ request for a refill. They talk about the weather while the doctor unceremoniously fills his prescription and hands the bottle back to Klaus.

“Everything else okay?” Dr. Larson asks before sitting back on his chair and grabbing his pen, already looking down at the form as if not expecting an answer.

“Yeah, thank you, everything else is fin-” Klaus freezes as an idea strikes him, unsure whether he should act on it.

Dr. Larson looks up at him, waiting for Klaus to continue.

Klaus takes a moment to look at the doctor. His dark hair, short with a military haircut, contrasts with an almost translucent skin, slightly red from sunburns. Green eyes stare back at him expectantly and Klaus almost feels guilty for trying to take more advantage of the man in front of him.

“Actually, there _is_ something.” Dr. Larson puts down the pen again and leans closer, as if anxious to hear the rest of what Klaus has to say. “My left knee hurts.”

“Oh, is that so?” The doctor asks, furrowing his brows in an expression of actual concern, and Klaus wonders how old Dr. Larson is. The man looks young to be a doctor, not in his thirties yet, but still… It’s not possible for someone to be naive enough to believe Klaus’ bullshit, right?

The doctor seems to be genuinely concerned, but Klaus is terrible at reading people. That’s Ben’s territory. His brother would know if Dr. Larson is actually buying his lies or if he’s aware of his real motives and just doesn’t give a fuck. Or if he’s just playing with him, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

Klaus is aware that some guys have codeine prescriptions. He’s also aware each soldier is given a kit with codeine tablets, darvon tablets and dexedrine pills when they’re sent on missions, so he knows opioids are a thing. He just needs a prescription.

Klaus guesses codeine is stronger than darvon, but he’s not really familiar with the latter. He’s sure they’re both opioids, though. And _fuck,_ opioids are by far his favorite prescription drugs.

“I can prescribe you some painkillers, but first let me take a look at that knee.” Dr. Larson says while getting up and making his way around the counter and towards a door. “My office is right there.”

Okay, that’s turning out to be easier than Klaus thought it would be. Should he fake limp to Dr. Larson’s office? Probably not. He should definitely avoid jumping in excitement on his way, though.

He follows the doctor inside the office and he can almost see Ben staring at him disappointedly as Dr. Larson locks the door and proceeds to wash his hands and ask Klaus to take his pants off and sit on the examination table.

“Hurts?” The doctor asks as he presses Klaus’ knee in different places. Klaus shakes his head each time.

“It hurts when I run or flex it, more of a general pain, I guess?” Klaus tries. He’s not sure how knees work or what kind of pain doesn’t leave a physical trail. He’s sure Ben would know. “... Effort, maybe?”

“Is that so?” The doctor looks up him, and Klaus is taken aback to see the man is smirking at him.

He stares back, unsure of what to say.

“Now, tell me something…” The doctor leans closer and Klaus smells cigarette in his breath. “How far are you planning on taking this little game of yours?”

_Oops._

“You really think I’d fall for your shit?” The man’s smirk quickly turns to laughter and Klaus feels a mix of shame and anger rising in his chest. “You _really did_ , didn’t you? It’s kinda cute, I’ll give you that.”

Klaus puts his hands on the table and turns to jump from it, but his leg is held down in place by the doctor’s hand on his knee with an almost painful grip.

“ _What the-_ ” Klaus looks back in protest but stops as something in the man’s face sends shivers down his spine.

Dr. Larson’s expression is suddenly dead serious as he places his other hand on Klaus’ right leg.

“No need to run, I’m not gonna report you or anything…” The doctor’s voice is soft as he smiles and Klaus feels the hands on his legs caress his thighs. “After all, we both want something, right?”

 _Oh shit_ , Klaus hadn’t seen this coming. He’s so _fucking stupid!_ Ben would’ve known. _Fuck_ , _of course_ Ben would’ve know, Ben always knows people’s intentions, he’d have warned Klaus.

“And, you see…” Dr. Larson continues with an eager but smooth tone. “I wasn’t lying when I said I’d give you painkillers, no… I’m a man of my word.”

Klaus glances at the closed door, he knows it’s locked. He doesn’t try to move or say anything, and he feels his body rushing with adrenaline while he listens carefully.

“I told you, I just wanna take a look at that knee of yours so I can prescribe you the right meds.” The doctor’s smile widens and Klaus freezes as one of the man’s hands travels away from his thigh and grabs at his hair. He braces for the pull but instead he feels the man caress him slowly.

“I know you had to suck someone so you could keep this fancy haircut of yours.”

He knows Ben would be freaking out in anger and screaming at him to rip the doctor’s eyes out or something, but Klaus stays still, filled with expectation. Waiting.

This is familiar territory. If he tries to run now, he’ll not get anything from it and chances are things will end up more violent. There’s no one around for him to scream and the man in front of him has at least twice his strength.

Also, he _really wants those opioids._

“What was it again? It hurts when you _flex_ it?” Dr. Larson takes his hands away from him and takes a step back slowly, eyes fixed on Klaus with caution, as if waiting to see if he’d run.

He can see joy filling the doctor’s expression as the man realizes Klaus is not going to move.

“How ‘bout you get on your knees and tell me if it hurts then?”

_And there it is._

Klaus takes a moment to mind slap himself for being so stupid. _Of course_ it wouldn’t be _that_ easy. All this time he’d been feeling guilty for taking advantage of _friendly innocent Dr. Larson,_ but guess what? _He’s_ the naive one.

Dr. Larson is removing his pants and his eyes remain on Klaus the whole time.

Ben is not there to scream at any of them, he’s not there to put Klaus’ thoughts in order for him, to anchor him to what’s happening. Klaus watches the scene play out as if he’s observing it from the outside.

The doctor is looking at him like someone looks at a cornered animal they’re trying to catch, careful not to move too fast and focused on it’s every reaction.

Klaus doesn’t think as he jumps from the table to stand in front of the doctor. He doesn’t think as they stare at each other for a second or as Dr. Larson’s grin widens and he feels his hair being grabbed once again, this time more roughly, pushing him down.

Klaus drops to his knees as he lets his body be lead by the doctor’s hand on his hair. He vaguely wonders of he’d have followed the man inside the office if Ben had been there to warn him of the doctor’s intentions. Probably yes.

Klaus feels a pull in his hair as the doctor positions himself in front of him, already half hard, prompting him to open his mouth.

He closes his eyes and tries to relax as the man thrusts into his mouth and pulls his head back and forth by the hair.

It’s easier if he focuses on something else other than his body or the sounds coming out of the doctor’s mouth. But Ben is not there for him to focus on whatever his brother would be screaming, and the sounds of the doctor’s skin pounding at his face and the man’s moans are too loud at the empty medical station.

He wonders what Sartre would think of him.

Klaus doesn’t feel like he’s actively deciding his actions. Does that mean he’s trying to run from his choices by letting someone else choose what happens to him? Would Sartre say all of this is still _his_ choice and _his_ responsibility for letting things be done to him without fighting back? He’s not sure.

He wishes Ben was there, Ben would know. Wait, would _Ben_ say this is all his choice and responsibility?

The doctor comes in his mouth and his head is held in place until he swallows. Klaus is then roughly pushed back to the floor.

He catches his breath and looks for his pants as he hears Dr. Larson’s steps moving away from him.

“Yeah, it does look like that knee could use some painkillers after all.” The doctor says mockingly before throwing a bottle at Klaus’ feet.

He reaches to grab it and freezes as he feels a hand on his hair.

“You know the drill. When you need a refill, just come to me.” And Klaus can hear the doctor laughing as the man leaves him to the sound of his own panting.

 

•••••

 

“Where were you? You disappeared, is everything okay?” Dave says behind him as they wait in line to grab some equipments.

“Yeah, fine, just had to wait for Dr. Larson a bit longer than expected.” He tries to sound casual and answers without turning to look at Dave.

“Larson?” There’s a note of worry in Dave’s voice, and Klaus turns to see the man’s expression.

“Why, what’s wrong with him?” Klaus asks with caution.

“Uh, I hate to spread rumors.” Dave says while looking away from Klaus. “But you know, there are stories, so I try to avoid that medical station.”

 _That_ medical station? Wait, does that mean-

“We can go to the main station if we’re willing to wait a bit longer.” Dave explains after Klaus’ questioning glance. “You know, the one where they take the wounded?”

 _Oh,_ Klaus knows the one.

He smiles at Dave and wonders if Ben would’ve figured out about the main medical station before him. Probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! 
> 
> Leave a comment to make me happy?


	5. Getting tattoos and dating advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time in Klaus' life, Ben is not there to watch him get a tattoo, and he hopes he gets to show it to his brother one day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for mention of past rape and victim blaming. 
> 
> Enjoy ٩(˃̶͈̀௰˂̶͈́)و

After their father made them get umbrella tattoos on their wrists, Klaus had decided he’d never get another tattoo in his life.

It had hurt and he knew he’d always remember Reginald’s gaze towards him, no doubt enjoying every second of his torment.

But then, time passed and things changed. Ghosts got angrier. Klaus started drinking and smoking weed. Five left. Ben died. Klaus started doing other drugs. Ben came back as a ghost.

The idea of being marked with a scar he actually _chose_ to get for the rest of his life started to make sense. The pain of a needle piercing through his skin was suddenly welcomed instead of feared. And imagining the look it would bring to Reginald’s face felt almost like a small victory, Klaus’ way of saying he was not letting his father continue to be the only memory to pop up when he thought of tattoos.

No, Reginald had already ruined too many good things for him, and getting a tattoo on the day he turned eighteen was a way of challenging one of those things.

“That’s a bad idea.” Was Ben’s first reaction when Klaus revealed his plans for the day. “Father will make you remove it.”

“Well, I’m eighteen now, so he can’t _make_ me do anything anymore.” Klaus smirked and stopped in front of Ben, who’d positioned himself in his way, arms crossed.

Ben had first appeared as a ghost less than a month before, and hadn’t been around for long enough to figure out how to change his appearance yet. Klaus couldn’t help but to feel helpless every time he saw all of the bruises and torn clothes his brother’s ghost beared. At the time, he thought Ben would look like that forever.

“And _you_ can’t stop me.” Klaus walked through Ben and continued to lead the way to the tattoo studio. “Besides, it’s gonna be fun! You can help me decide what to get!”

_HELLO. GOODBYE._

Klaus thought it was funny. He was, after all, a human ouija board. He knew Ben was amused as well, even though his brother had refused to encourage or help him decide what he’d get tattooed.

He smiles as he realizes that Ben pretending to high five his goodbye hand the night after he got his hands tattooed is the first thing he remembers when he sits on a couch beside Dave at a tattoo studio. He also remembers Reginald and the day his father made him and his siblings get a tattoo, but that memory is not as strong as the ones he made with Ben’s ghost on his eighteenth birthday.

Klaus looks at Dave as the man watches the tattoo artist finish sketching the tattoo they’d both be getting: a skull in front of a rifle, with their unit’s nickname written above.

Dave looks back at him and they smile at each other. Klaus can see how the other man’s smile is filled with expectation. It is Dave’s first tattoo, and Klaus feels a warm feeling of affection and protectiveness to know that _this_ would be the memory to pop up when Dave thought of his first time getting a tattoo.

He wondered what Ben would think of Dave. His brother had always been a great judge of character. Ben knew whether guys were safe to go with or if they were trouble.

Not that Klaus listened. Most of the times he would dismiss his brother’s warnings, he still needed a place to stay for the night after all, or money, or drugs, it was not like he had the privilege to be picky.

But sometimes, things would get uncomfortable with someone Ben had begged him to stay away from, and those times he’d end up regretting not having listened to his brother.

_Rape._ Rape was the word Ben would use for those situations. Klaus was not so sure that it was the right word for it, but his brother would get very upset if he questioned his word choice. “ _Of course it was rape, Klaus, you_ _ **told**_ _him you didn’t want to and he_ _ **forced**_ _you!”_

Klaus would sometimes argue that “ _But I didn’t even fight back! And I_ _ **could**_ _have! You can’t call it rape if_ _ **I let**_ _it happen!”_ and sometimes even “ _Besides, you were right there, you heard him when he said I was enjoying it! Fuck, you were fucking there! You_ _ **saw**_ _that I was hard too and I ended up… I let…”_

But _that_ would inevitably lead to Ben realizing just how upset Klaus actually was and, instead of starting an argument like he’d expected, his brother would immediately drop it and start going on about how it wasn’t his fault, how it was okay he didn’t fight back, still didn’t mean he wanted it, and how physiological reactions were completely normal and didn’t mean he enjoyed it.

_Fuck_ , Ben would eventually make him repeat out loud that it wasn’t his fault and Klaus would end up crying, which wasn’t _that_ big of a deal if it wasn’t for the fact he’d then have to watch as his brother grew frustrated from trying to comfort him without being able to touch.

Klaus shakes the memories away as he feels Dave hold his hand while the tattoo artist is preparing the ink.

“Want me to go first?” He asks and Dave nods. He caresses Dave’s hand with his thumb and feels the man relax and lean slightly towards his side.

Klaus wishes Ben was there with him, he wishes he knew what his brother’s impression of Dave would be. Dave is… _different._ Not like anyone he’s been with before. Not like anyone Ben had classified as _safe_ before. And _definitely_ not like anyone his brother had warned him to stay away from before.

He used to hate that Ben kept complaining about the companies he kept, the men he chose to accompany home or that he always seemed to choose the worst possible partners. Shit, his longest relationship had lasted three weeks, and he’d only kept it going because he needed a place to stay.

But now, it’s already been six months since he first met Dave and about five months since they started to… _date_ seemed the wrong word for it. They hadn’t _dated_. They’d just… started being together, Klaus guesses.

And now, he _wants_ his brother to approve of Dave. He feels Ben would like to see he was actually in a relationship with someone he _wanted_ to be with. Not because he needed a place to stay, or because of money or drugs, but because if he could choose anyone to share his life with, there’s no doubt he would choose Dave.

But for the first time, Ben is not there to watch him get a tattoo, and he hopes he gets to show it to his brother one day. He also hopes Ben gets to meet Dave, but both situations seem distant and unreal, like there’s no way the universe would allow him to be with Dave _and_ his brother at the same time. No, things never work like that for him, it’s too good to be anything more than a fantasy.

Just being there with Dave already feels like too good to be true. A part of him feels like there’s no way he can see Ben again, just like it feels like he’ll end up letting Dave down. Still, he hopes. No harm in it, right? He _had_ traveled back in time, is it really _that_ impossible for him to get a happy ending?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter left, I'm so excited!
> 
> I see y'all subscribed and I really wanna know what you have to say! Please leave a comment? 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it ;)


	6. Overdose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one time Klaus doesn't miss Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for overdose, dissociation, mentions of drug use and brief mention of rape.
> 
> Have fun!

“So… We can leave our stuff here, right?” Klaus asks Dave while looking at the casket between their beds with furrowed brows.

His belongings consist of exactly nine completely filled notebooks (one for each month since he first appeared in Vietnam), the notebook he is currently using and the briefcase under his bed.

“I hope so.” Dave replies from beside him.

In about a week their unit is being sent on a mission. They still don’t know all of the details, but people talk, and Klaus can feel the atmosphere of anxiety growing around his colleagues, what makes him guess it’s not going to be a simple reconnaissance mission like the ones he’s already used to.

He’s been getting anxious as well, popping dexedrine pills all day in an attempt to focus on something else, and then taking a bunch of codeine pills when he realized the dexedrine side effects - _so close to symptoms of anxiety_ \- were only reminding him of the reason for his restlessness.

Klaus takes a moment to register the warmth radiating from the man sitting by his side on the bed. He instinctively leans closer to rest his head on Dave’s shoulder. He’s gotten used to the warm weather and now every small drop in temperature gets him to search for warmth. And isn’t Dave just the perfect source?

He only realizes how tense his body is when he lets go of his weight to lean on Dave. He notices he’s shivering and tries to focus on his breathing. He shouldn’t be getting this worked up by something he doesn’t even know the details yet. He’s never been a worrier. That’s Ben’s territory. His brother is the one that worries for him, and it feels strange to be the one freaking out for once.

They are alone in the barracks, and Dave naturally lifts an arm to embrace Klaus. They say nothing but Klaus can sense the moment Dave’s eyes shift to rest upon him.

He closes his eyes and makes an effort to avert his thoughts from his ridiculous worries, trying to focus on the moment, on Dave’s warmth and presence surrounding him. For a second, he gets to forget the reason why he’s crossing his arms in an attempt to stop shivering and why his hands feel so cold against his arms.

It’s been a long day and just now he’s stopping to notice how tired and _sick_ it’s been making him feel.

Klaus doesn’t know if Dave is still looking at him. He’s grown used to the man’s comforting presence, to not being alone like he’d thought he would be after Ben disappeared.

Everything is silent and calm, and he can feel his heart beating fast inside his chest. He holds onto the feeling and tries to ignore the nauseating sensation growing in the pit of his stomach. He’s used to that.

“What’s wrong, Klaus?” He feel Dave turn to face him. The man’s voice is soft and inviting, and Klaus is surprised by the heaviness he feels when he lifts his head to respond.

He needs a minute for his eyes to focus on Dave’s worried expression.

“Nothing, I’m fin…” He tries to reply and only then realizes how shallow his breathing is.

His vision is blurred again and he sees only an indistinct shadow of Dave’s hand moving to rest on his forehead.

“Shit, Klaus, you’re too hot.” He hears Dave’s alarmed voice, but it sounds distant.

Klaus tries to move away and realizes his body weight is being entirely supported by Dave. The man is saying something and getting closer to Klaus, but his thoughts are quickly drifting away for him to be able to register the words’ meaning.

Wait, is he overdosing?

He makes a small effort to remember what overdosing feels like, but all he pictures is Ben’s panicked expression.

But Ben is not here to tell him whether his symptoms match those of an overdose or if he’s just really tired.

Klaus’ thoughts are confused and not really under his control for him to assess his situation or try to rationalize exactly what he’s experiencing.

He notices Dave is saying something, and Klaus catches a hint of panic in the man’s voice, but doesn’t manage to grasp their meaning.

From a young age he’d learnt to expect the worst possible outcomes from situations, but when it comes to drug use and overdose, Klaus has always considered himself lucky.

Klaus had heard of people who’d overdosed during their first time trying drugs. Now _that’s_ bad luck.

He’d also met ghosts of people who’d died from overdose, most of them young and homeless - _just like him_ \- wandering around the alleys in which they’d died.

Still, Klaus had never had second thoughts about drugs out of fear of joining the hoard of spirits in those alleys.

In fact, that thought used to be almost _comforting._

“ _It’s like I’m looking into a mirror.”_ He remembers trying to explain it to Ben. “ _I’m fucked up just like them, not… more.”_

Ben had gaped at him in response. Klaus had not exactly been in a clear state of mind to formulate a better explanation, and for a moment he’d thought he’d be called out on his statement, but his brother just nodded and looked down pensively. Ben _understood_.

Klaus knows Ben actually related to the feeling, or at least wished he could relate.

Overdose ghosts were not like the others, they almost didn’t pay him much attention and didn’t seem to care whether he could see them. They just kind of _sticked around_ instead of yelling for help or acknowledging his presence, as if Klaus was _already one of them_ , like they were just as resigned to their situation as Klaus was resigned to his fate.

And that felt _good_. He felt almost… _normal._ Yes, he was a junkie getting high in an alley, he was a petty thief and eventually a prostitute, but wasn’t all of that just so _normal?_ So _human?_

Overdose ghosts gave him that particular sense of comfort that came with the idea of belonging to a group. Of not being alone. Of course, he knew he’d never really be like them. He wasn’t _normal_ , never had been, never would be. But it was still good to let himself feel like he was _just another one_ between so many others that came before and would come after him.

They were always the last ghosts to disappear, and Klaus had to take higher doses for them to go. He usually didn’t mind them, though, so it wasn’t really a problem.

“ _Maybe they’re more resistant to drugs ‘cause they were already resistant while they were alive...”_ Klaus had wondered out loud once, and he remembers Ben’s laughter at him as his brother had replied.

“ _Then you wouldn’t be seeing me, would you?”_ And that had lead to one of their many arguments over Klaus’ ability to control his powers.

Ben insisted some ghosts stayed for longer because Klaus was okay with their presence, which Klaus considered to make absolutely no sense, otherwise he wouldn’t have grown up surrounded by angry ghosts.

But his brother would still exhaust him with the idea that he should practice and he’d be able to control which ghosts would appear to him and when. Sometimes Ben sounded just like their father, and Klaus wasn’t able to hold back his anger and resentment.

“ _If it’s about who I_ _ **want**_ _to see, how the fuck are_ _ **you**_ _still here?”_ Klaus had snapped after one of those arguments.

It was one of the things he regretted having said the most.

Ben’s expression that moment had made Klaus hant rip off the heart of whoever had put it in his brother’s face. And it had been _him_ out of all people. He’d hated himself for it, just like he’d hated himself each and every time Ben had watched him overdose.

That’s why he _was_ actually careful not to take more than he knew he could handle. But like every other thing in his life, he sucked at it.

Still, for all the drugs he used, he was lucky for having overdosed just a few times in his life, and the memories of those events were filled with dread and panic. But not his own panic. At least not when it came to the feeling of overdosing.

 _Ben’s panic._ That’s what’s missing. Klaus’ desperation when overdosing had always been over _Ben’s_ panic.

 _Ben_ was the one who always saw it coming. Who listed Klaus’ symptoms out loud for him to realize he should get help.

All those times it had been _Ben_ who worried for him when Klaus couldn’t care less about himself.

His brother’s panicked expression lingers in the corner of Klaus’ mind and he feels his body convulsing harshly for a second as he shakes his head to draw away that image.

He’d rather feel the humiliation of watching Ben screaming at Klaus’ _rapists_ while he surrendered to them than have to see the desperation and hopelessness that filled his brother’s expression when Klaus lost consciousness while there was no one around to help him, when Ben could do absolutely nothing else other than scream and beg him not to abandon him, for him to say something, to stay with him, to try and get help.

 _No, Ben is not freaking out. He’s not having to watch this._ Klaus is trying to tell himself while everything is turning black around him and he feels Dave lifting his limp body.

Dave is with him, and Dave is _not_ unable to seek help. The guilt he’d have to feel would _not be_ that of facing Ben.

That thought does not comfort him as he passes out.

 

•••••

 

Klaus wakes up to the feeling of someone holding his hand and caressing it slowly.

He blinks a few time and recognizes Dave sitting beside the bed he’s laying on. They’re at the medical station, he realizes. In a room full of beds with sleeping patients, it must be the middle of the night.

Dave slightly squeezes his hand to acknowledge his presence and smiles in relief.

“Hey.” The man says smoothly, leaning closer to Klaus.

He blinks again and stares at Dave, questions swirling through his still confused mind.

 _Fuck_ , he feels _so tired._ He’d get back to sleep in a second if he wasn’t so confused trying to remember something important. He can tell his effort is showing in his expression by the way Dave quickly proceeds to reassure him.

“You’re okay. I got you here just in time, you’re gonna be alright.” The words seem to be directed not only to Klaus, but to Dave himself.

The memories suddenly start to come back, and Klaus feels a wave of shame and regret wash over him.

_Shit._

He pulls his hand away from Dave and closes his eyes as he tries to swallow the lump in his throat.

“ _I’m sorry…”_ His voice is small and sounds almost like a whine. He doesn’t have the strength to face Dave right now, nor to begin to organize the multitude of thoughts and feelings rushing through him.

It’s just too much. Klaus can only lie back as tears start streaming down his face without his allowance.

“There’s nothing for you to apologize for, Klaus.” Dave is hesitantly reaching out to touch him again, getting closer as Klaus allows the contact. “It’s not your fault, you’ll be fine.”

He’s glad Ben was not there to witness it, but Dave’s worry and eagerness to reassure him feels just as awful as he remembers how careless he’s been in the face of possibly _dying_ in front of Dave. He hadn’t cared for a second about what the other man would make of it, and now he wants to drown in his own guilt and shame.

“ _I’m sorry… I…_ ” He hears his own broken voice resonating through the silent night.

“Hey, don’t. It’s okay, trust me.” Dave continues without letting him go on. “We can talk about it later, okay? Just get some rest now.”

And he feels himself drifting away from consciousness before Dave even finishes the sentence.

Klaus just wishes he gets cleared for their next mission, he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he let Dave go alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... last chapter! I really enjoyed writing this and I hope y'all enjoyed reading it!
> 
> Please leave a comment to let me know!


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